Photo by Diogo Fagundes via Unsplash
Advent is here. We are waiting and preparing to receive the Infant Christ. Many Advent meditations tell us things like, “create a space for Christ,” “prepare your heart to welcome new life,” and other such phrases that conjure up a lot of images with babies and pregnancy. These images are not just for women - even dudes are called upon to ponder these mysteries of Christ. His choosing to come as a baby, His simple birth and now the fact that He dwells in us. We are each called to bring Him into the world.
These images have me reflecting on how growing up in a society that has embraced contraceptive ideals has influenced my own beliefs about myself, my inner life with God and my relationships. It’s sparked fruitful prayer that has challenged me to welcome new life in all the ways it explodes daily onto my path. The fact that a contraceptive mentality affects me was unexpected considering I grew up with an understanding of the life-giving aspects of avoiding the use of contraception. Now as an adult I’ve embraced a vocation in a religious community and, as a consequence, live a celibate life. As a celibate woman you’d think that I would find myself relatively unaffected by contraception and the mentality behind it, but I think we’re all more intertwined than we realize.
What we do with our bodies and in our most intimate relationships affects us deeply, personally & communally. Actions and attitudes that most people take for granted have developed into ingrained mentalities about who we are. I’d say our society has a contraceptive mentality which spills over into many aspects of life beyond using contraceptives to avoid conceiving a child. We can (and do) apply the same lessons and attitudes we learn from contracepting in sexual relationships to our other interactions in society. We often think of contraception simply as birth control, but it can be a way of viewing life. It affects how we view our bodies and our most intimate relationships but also our attitudes around autonomy and control. And hey, we’re communal (more on that later!) and we learn from each other and rub off on each other. As a mentality, contraception affects everyone.
Think of the word itself; contra - against, conception – conceiving life.
When we think about it as going against the conception of life then we can begin to see how we have adopted this mentality in a much broader sense than people using birth control to not get pregnant.
[A little aside – There were and still are a lot of injustices and suffering that women & their families face that led to high demand for contraceptive methods. There were and are legit problems! However, contraception as used today is trying to solve them in an extremely unhelpful way. I’m not about to lay blame solely on contraception for humans seeking autonomy, control and warring with our bodies- These aren’t new things! But contraception reinforces these tendencies and validates them based on false expectations that we’ll find freedom, happiness and ultimately love if we embrace contraceptive mentality. Phew!]
So let me tell you some ways I see this contraceptive attitude creeping in, especially in my own life. Ways that I go against the radical freedom Christ has made me to live. We seem to go after these same attitudes century after century and dress them up in different clothes. Our century has its own spin to put on these false beliefs that are supposed to make us happy, but the Gospel has life for us if we can stop and wait long enough to experience the truth of who we are.
Going to the poor, being poor, being one with them, one with Me. *
Especially for women, contraception has been a lot about gaining autonomy – the ability to have the same bodily autonomy as men, the ability to not be dependent on others or have them depend on me. I’ve spent quite a bit of time in prayer and Christian community battling the lie that I am and should be autonomous and maybe that others should be too. Dependence is something to be avoided or you’ll be trapped. If I need my sisters and brothers to help me then I’m doing something wrong. If I am independent that means I am good and then I will be happy.
I have received these messages all my life from society and it’s not been helpful. It isn’t helpful because we long to be in communion with others and God, and when we gain this “power” of autonomy it leaves us standing alone. I don’t actually want that. I don’t want people to abandon me when I need them either, but I’d rather face that possibility and work toward a healthy respectful interdependence. In a celibate community we can choose against this communion of persons. If I think I should be able to do everything by myself then I can isolate myself from my community. Sometimes I am the poor one and sometimes my brother is the poor one. It is a fact of life that draws us into pouring ourselves out in service and builds meaningful relationships. And aren’t we all after those? Wouldn’t it be nice if it was okay to be in need sometimes?
Contraception creates an illusion of autonomy. It’s an unattainable goal. In some ways it helps us avoid needing others and them needing us... for a time. For me I see this especially creeping in when I seek autonomy from Jesus. I got this Jesus, no need to help me. Wow, talking about shooting yourself in the foot! To be an expectant mother needing support is not an awful failure on the part of the mother, it’s good and she should know that. Failure to give that support is to our detriment as well as hers. Bringing Christ into the world isn’t meant to be a solo mission.
Be simple, poor, childlike.
Contraception also divorces us from our bodies, and it changes the way we view being a human person. There can be a resulting mentality that my body is something apart from me, something I use but it isn’t me. In a society where most people who are able to conceive children are rendering themselves sterile for long periods of time, it changes how we view each other, whether we are the one using contraception or not. I don’t think a lot of people view themselves as a being that can generate life. That’s the reality though and is especially true in the workings of a woman’s body.
As a celibate woman it is important for me to recognize my life generating potential. Even though I will not have children or a sexual partner, the way my body works and the seasons of my sexuality are important things that animate my life and make me who I am. There is something so simple, natural and good in how we are made that our society seems to want to complicate. What my body does is good and that is something that contraceptive mentality cuts at the very roots. As a woman I shouldn’t have to suppress the way my body works in order to find a place in society. If that is the case then I can start to think that my body betrays me and I need to fix it. It can be a very dangerous if celibates are not able to see their body as good or divorce themselves from it as just a thing they have. This type of thinking will not lead to sexual maturity and being able to direct my body and sexual desire toward chaste love and the giving of myself. My body and I become at war. This is the opposite of the freedom that proponents of contraception would argue women would find if they were free from the natural things their body does. In my community I see in my elders this mature chaste love. It actually looks quite childlike. They have awe and wonder which brings about a peace within themselves and in others. Whenever I am fighting with myself and complicating things, I see myself as going in the opposite direction of the child-likeness I am trying to mature towards. God’s children know their goodness of body and spirit and it gives them life. Even when things feel a bit wild, the adventure is worth it.
Go without fears into the depths of men’s hearts
There is an openness to receiving the other that is essential in a consecrated vocation. My community in particular has a great emphasis on hospitality and on the importance of loving one another as the foundation for that hospitality.
In our society new life can be viewed as a danger because it might take something from me. The act of welcoming new life whether it be through a baby or welcoming the stranger or my own brother or sister necessarily means a relinquishing of control. A big reason contraception has become so relied upon is because it gives us control.
Maybe along with our current society I have a fear of new life! God is always trying to explode new life in my direction, and I have seen in myself a hesitancy to trust that new life is good. Contraception teaches us that new life isn't always good and we should probably be leery of it unless we are in total control of its appearance. Wait! Since when can life be bad? Radical hospitality can be messy, painful, and very hard (Just read about Dorothy Day!), but this should not lead us to think that it isn’t ultimately a call to fullness of life. I will concede that on a natural level, this openness to the other doesn’t serve our tendency towards self-preservation, however, we’re created desiring more than what’s available on the natural level, and through Christ we do have the capacity to live that supernatural life. If we settle for self-preservation, then we will never become whole. Plus, trying to control everything, especially the new life exploding in your direction, is exhausting.
A lot of what God had for me in these reflections had to do with seeing the reality of things. The reality of need we all have but also the need to be generous, and that sometimes my brother’s need is my own. The reality that we are poor but that we don’t need to be afraid of that. Or just the reality that God sees the big picture and probably He had that in mind when He created us the way we are.
Recently one of my sisters said, “If you’re in control, you don’t need a saviour.” That’s a good thing to ponder in Advent. But I’d like to add, don’t worry, you’re not really in control. Jesus is still coming for you as a little vulnerable baby! He knows you need Him. That’s my word for this Advent.
*This heading and the two following are lines from The Little Mandate of Madonna House, the community I belong to. The Little Mandate is composed of words that Catherine Doherty, our foundress believed she received from Jesus Christ over the course of her apostolic life. This “distillation of the Gospel” is the heart of the spirituality of Madonna House.
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