Photo by Jeremey Yap
“Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.” - The Mission of My Life, St. John Henry Newman
I came across this prayer for the first time at the Newman Centre on my university’s campus. Over the past year and a half, it has become increasingly relevant to my own life, and to the world as a whole. Reflecting on God’s presence in persistent suffering has been a source of comfort and consolation – He is here, in it with us.
“in sickness…” In February 2020, I came down with a ‘mystery’ illness. Upon examination from multiple doctors, the illness could not be identified or diagnosed. After having many possible causes ruled out, it was suspected to be a viral infection that would probably go away with time. At the time of me writing this article 1.5 years later, it has not left yet. My illness has made life difficult. For a long time, I have not been able to work or be very active physically. At some points my sickness was so bad that I could not even exert myself cognitively for more than 10 minutes to do something as basic as reading. I became quickly aware of my attachment to ‘doing’- longing for an activity or pursuit to feel purpose. It has been a hard thing to surrender, especially at 24. I just wanted to feel healthy again. But God permitted me to stay in sickness.
“in perplexity…” The confusion of not knowing what had caused the illness was not as difficult for me as the misunderstanding that I would sometimes receive from others. Upon hearing my story, I would often receive a ‘diagnosis’ from them, or be told some things to do or eat in order to make me feel better. All well intending, of course, but totally missing what my heart really needed – simple affirmations of my goodness, companionship, community. In this, Jesus allowed me to see that He, too, felt misunderstood, and that despite feelings of loneliness, I was not alone.
“in sorrow…” My spiritual life has suffered a lot since I became sick. When the first lockdowns began and churches closed, I remember someone telling me that my faith would have to become more internally strong; however, I struggled to be faithfully committed to my relationship with God as my former spiritual practises passed away. Prayer was spiritually dry and I felt disconnected from God. The idea that my internal faith was not strong hung over me and ultimately hurt the way I viewed my faith. Like my attachment to doing, I began thinking that I was responsible for my faith, as if it came from me instead of as a gift from God. The result was the feeling of deep sorrow.
“…may serve Him.” Yet the hardship and suffering that I have experienced is not meaningless. It has led to something transformational. God is always molding me, like the potter to a clay vessel. “Does the clay say to the potter ‘What are you doing?’ or the thing being created say ‘He has no hands?’” (Isaiah 45:9). My identity needed to be redeemed. I could not hide behind my actions anymore. The cracks needed to be filled in. The vessel needed to be deepened. Likewise, my identity needed to be secured in God – all the way down to my very being.
“Still, He knows what He is all about…” This past Pentecost Sunday, I was able to be physically present for Mass. The experience of being in church again was amazing. Wooden pews, beautiful stained glass, that churchy smell. It lead my heart beyond itself, into a place of rest and prayer. Here, God showed my heart what it had been missing. I had felt disconnected for so long from God by not being able to live sacramentally. I had refused to accept that my heart was hurting, when in truth I was longing for the vitality that comes from concretely bringing my heart to God, going to His house, receiving Him in the Eucharist. Although God definitely gave me the graces to make it to this realization, I had simply missed receiving Him and being in His presence.
God has thoroughly affirmed for me that it is good to be in relationship. Just because it may not always be possible to be physically present to Him or to other people, it does not change that truth that the desire to be in relationship is good. I needed to be affirmed that it was good to go to Him, and that it was okay to feel cut off when I could not do so.
Moving forward, I want to keep surrendering the present uncertainties to Him. My sickness is still present, and so is He. In everything, always.
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